Thursday, April 26, 2012

It Came From The Video Store!: Bloodlines

When college student Amber Strickland's car breaks down in the "sticks of Kentucky" while on a cross-country track to her university, she becomes a very unwilling guest to a cannabalistic inbred clan that hosts the most bizarre fighting tournament ever committed to B-movie history! LETS GET READY TO RUMBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEE!!!

The Front Row: When Amber's(Grace Johnston)car breaks down, she is kidnapped by an isolated inbred family, led by Billie Bob Hackford(Jason Padgett). Bob's mission is to impregnate Amber, along with a dozen other kidnapped women, and add new blood to his family line. To weed out the strongest breeder, he has the women fight each other to the death, with the winner's prize being a night of rape and a future as a hickville mother. However, Amber, and her worried family members, Brody(Douglas Tait) and Bear(Dorian Kingi), aren't going to take this lying down. While "Baby Girl" plots to escape Billie Bob's clutches, Brody and Bear mount an 1980s action hero assault against a literal army of inbred cousins!

Box of Whoppers: I've heard of Freddy Versus Jason, Aliens Versus Predator...but Dukes of Hazzard Versus The Hills Have Eyes? Basically, that's what you have here...two badass families warring with each other. And instead of the California-esque family of the Hills Have Eyes movies(both old and new), you have what seem to resemble southern survivalists in the Strickland clan against the cannabalistic men of the Hackford clan. Watching the movie a second time, I like it because of this. Amber isn't your typical final girl heroine either...she's a tough-as-nails homage to Ellen Ripley, dispatching creepy Hackfords left and right with close-combat skills and an iron-clad will. Of course, what took the cake for me was main villain Billie Bob...sitting in a recliner, with his sister on his left, looking upon a makeshift gladiator ring that is surrounding by his cheering, inbred hick cousins, while two chicks fight to the death. It is an awesome and side-splittingly funny sight to behold.

And one more thing...don't ***** with the Bear....or Brody. The Stricklands must be kin to a certain Texas Rattlesnake...

Sticky Floors: I call it the Babydoll Dilemma. The name comes from my cinematic love from 2011, Sucker Punch. One of the reasons I think people hated the film, was because, pardon the pun, they were sucker-punched by the story. Expecting an anime-style galactic adventure with a schoolgirl superheroine and her crew jetting around fantastic lands, fighting zombies, dragons, and robots? Sorry, those scenerios are simply imaged in the girl's head in a vastly different story then one imagined. I guess a lot of people expected the story to be just that, and there is nothing wrong with this. I mean, you don't go to Batman expecting Titanic, right?

I've posted before that I hated Bloodlines, that it wasted good exploitation. Now, watching it again, I realized the movie sucker-punched me! Going by the back of the DVD cover, and what was seen on some sites, I was expecting The Hills Have Eyes meet Queen's Blade or Ikki Tousen...basically, inbred monsters kidnapping girls to fight in a tornament to the death, and the winner being bred by these guys. It's funny how your imagination can be more productive then the true product...I was expecting some nods to "Southern" fanservice, like a chick in daisy dukes battling a chick in bra and panties...or a cheerleader battling a biker chick. The end result...wasn't the point. The tournament, while at times funny, wasn't really much. I would have rather it not been in the film at all...or maybe another film could be made with these elements at the forefront.

Because I loved the idea of Billie Bob kidnapping chicks and hosting a Mortal Kombat-like tournament in the boonies. Man, you could make a slasher movie franchise out of this!

Notes: By the way, Amber Strickland is a member of my Ultimate Cheerleader Team!

Final Analysis: If you approach this movie like The Hills Have Eyes, it is pretty decent, seriously. I loved the family versus family theme, and on this note, it gets a low B. But, if you're here for the awesome concepts of a redneck inbred monarch forcing scantily-clad chicks to fight to the death in a tournament...epic fail.

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