Thursday, August 19, 2010

Dusty Video Box Presents: The Ultimate Cheerleader Action Team Part One

Call it what you will: fetish, obsession, horniness. I love nubile B-movie cheerleaders...I love them very much. And no, I'm not talking about obvious chick flicks like Bring It On or Fired Up...those movies have more guy cheerleaders than girls, and take their sport really seriously. Really, really seriously.

And did I mention how much I hate male cheerleaders(in cinema form, not real life)?

Cheerleaders, possibly one of the top three fantasy chicks that guys would go for, are a well-worn staple of porn. But I'm not talking about those flicks, either. I'm talking about exploitation flicks, or in a broader sense, B-movies. I'm talking about Satan's Cheerleaders and Andre The Butcher. You see, I'm not much of a fan of the straight "sexploitation" of the cheerleader, demonstrated for example in the cleverly named The Cheerleaders. Being more of a slasher fanatic, I always liked them in an action-oriented running from a mob of devil worshippers, or battling a supernatural cleaver-armed maniac.

But surprisingly, there's a shortage of "cheerleader combat", which, in my opinion, really boggles the mind. You either have disgusting fake-outs like Cheerleader Massacre and A Brush With Death, where they claim to have cheerleaders, but don't...or maybe you'd pick up a movie where you wish the hot lead was in a uniform(at least, I do. But I'm not well). As a budding businessman(i.e. writer), I'm really of two minds here: on one hand, its annoying, because I would love a few more straight-to-DVDs with the keywords: cheerleader, killer, fight,...and the desperate writer in me(i.e. desperate for money) spots a opportunity to make so dough with the right straight-to-DVD production Asylum? Or Troma? Hello?

So, in the spirit of my previous presentation of The Ultimate Sukeban(lead) Gang, and as an American answer to well as in homage to The Expendables, the manliness all-star man movie ever, I present The Ultimate Cheerleader Action Team. The characters and/or actresses selected came from my absolute favorite cheerleader-centric B-movies, from 1977's Satan's Cheerleaders to 2003's Cheerleader Ninjas. These cheerleaders aren't from lame movies where they compete against each other(which is not bad, of course)...but they come from movies where they have to fight for their very lives against the undesirable elements of man and beast!

Let me set up the plot of my dream movie: A team of cheerleaders are on their way to an away game in another town, when their bus breaks down unknowingly in mutant redneck country. A group of disgusting redneck mutants, led by a powerful leader, targets the girls as potential mothers to give birth to the next generation of mutant rednecks. And yes, I lifted that plot from The Hills Have Eyes 2(2007).

The team would be:

The Captain would be: Jasmine Tyner
Played By: April Billingsley

Application Status: As the leader of the four man cheerleader band(three women, and one guy) in 2005's Andre The Butcher, Jasmine was the sexy, crucifix-wearin', switchblade-wieldin', kung-fu cheerleader who also reveals herself to be a hot lesbian as well, in a make-out scene with her co-cheerleader, Cookie(Heather Joy Budner). In the climax of the movie, Jasmine has an awesome one-on-one battle with 'ol Andre...and doesn't back down from the supernatural menace, despite the fact that he shrugs off her karate kicks.

Skills: Besides her mean fighting skills, she's good with a switchblade and voyeurism as well...if that counts as a skill.

Paraphernalia:Her crucifix and trusty switchblade...and maybe a bowl of chili and a can of pears;).

Co-Captain: Fumi
Played By: Vicky Huang

Application Status: There are only three things that are good about 2005's Insecticidal: Samantha McLeod's well-endowed constitution, and Fumi, the awesome Asian student who is highly intelligent and practices with sai. Read that last part again...with. sai. Like the Ninja Turtle Raphael. I'm sure many people read into the character as being a cultural/racial stereotype, but beats the stereotypes I,a African-American, have to be stuck with! Anyway, what p****** me off about this movie is that Fumi, the Asian chick who demonstrates her skill in martial arts in one form or another...IS KILLED OFF BY A FREAKING GIANT MANTIS!!!

We don't even get a promised showdown, with Fumi kicking butt on those cheap CG insects!! Instead, she's jobbed, and the untrained Caucasians beat the insects and survive. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Would Fumi do better against mutant rednecks? If I was writing it, hell yeah.

Skills: In the film, there is a scene where Fumi practices with sai, seductively. This had me screaming at the movie later, when the giant mantis was fighting her. Why she didn't grab the sai and go all Kill Bill on the things? That would have been the movie I would have written.

Anyway, she seems to have a knowledge of wielding sai/sai training. And unlike that lame movie, in mine, you would see it in action!

Paraphernalia: Her sai

My third member would be: Angela

Played By: Angela Brubaker(on the far right)

Application Status: As the leader and the only "sane man" of the titular Cheerleader Ninjas quartet, Angela bravely lead her less-than-bright group against a evil crew of Catholic Schoolgirls(TM), lead by a former homosexual(sterotypical gay) man who wanted to join the Hamsters cheerleader squad(complete with skirt!), but was throughly rejected. After initially getting their pantied butts handed to 'em, Angela and crew go through a training montage to become ninjas(which include breaking an already broken board and jumping on trampolines) to fight their fetish-inspired rivals, earning the right to carry katanas and use pogo sticks to chase after their enemies!!
Angela and her crew hates nerds the same way that Graydon Creed hates X-men. Wonders of wonders, it is later revealed that she is a nerd(stereotypical nerd), who only joined the squad to get a scholarship.

Skills: Angela would be the brains of this cheerleader squad. Since the film she was in was a spoof anyway, this movie would be a tad more serious. Thus, while she would retain her sarcastic nature, her intelligence would be increased. In the film, she demonstrated some computer skills, thus, she would have them here, although boosted to a Macguyver-esque level. She would demonstrate some limited martial art skills, and limited swordfighting skills; unlike in her initial film, here, it would be mentioned that she gained the training from school activities.

Paraphernalia: Her katana
That's all for the first round. The second group of recruits are coming up soon, so don't go anywhere!!

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