Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Dusty Video Box Presents: The Ultimate Cheerleader Action Team Part Two

Continuing where I left off...for those of you just joining that lonely audience member, I'm essentially putting together the ultimate cheerleader action team to lay the smackdown against mutant redneck cannibals who want to spread their polluted genetic wealth via the horizontal tango. In basic terms, they want to breed, and our cheerleader heroines are their pom-pom and pleated skirt prey. Hey, just walk with me here...close your eyes and picture this as one of those films you stumble up on the SyFy Channel or accidentally choose on the Redbox. Now don't be like me and have your mouth drop, drool splattering against the floor as you thank the B-movie spirits for such a gem.

Be your lovable self, maybe get a six-pack of beer and/or some friends, kick back and prepare to indulge in B-movie goodness. No Bring It On! here. Alright, the rest of the crew:

The fourth member would be: Amber Strickland
Played By: Grace Johnston

Application Status: I plan to expand on my thoughts about 2007's Bloodlines soon, but let it be said here that, and this is only my skewed opinion, but I felt that is squandered tons of exploitative potential...such as Amber's sexiness. In my twisted, fetish-driven mind, she would have looked much, much better in a cheerleader outfit, while battling in the redneck breeding tournament(long story short: the homicidal rednecks would kidnap women, have them fight, and the winner would be forced to breed with the head honcho), using survival skills(I think she even used a bow and arrow) and taking out the redneck trash like a Southern belle mixed with Xena, Warrior Princess.

Skills: Amber's a badass hand-to-hand combatant, demonstrated by easily killing one girl by pushing her nose into her brain. She has survival skills as well, as she was trained by (I assume) her father(Douglas Tait) and her brother(I assume)(Dorian Kingi). In my naive opinion, it seems like she has some army-style combat training. On this team, I could see her as the gun expert, as well as the expert hunter and tracker.

Paraphernalia: I would give her a hunting knife, and maybe later, she would acquire a bow-and-arrow.

The fifth member would be: Kristy

Played by: Elizabeth Mullins

Application Status: As the old saying goes, "Big girls need love too". Kristy is the portly cheerleader in Andre the Butcher, and is the object of teasing by a rival team of cheerleaders just after the credits roll. Thankfully, Kristy's cheerpals, after overtaking the rivals' vehicle, proceed to step out and kick ass. Kristy proves that she's no slouch as a brawler, as her picture demonstrates(she is in the blue uniform), knocking all the siss-boom-baa out of that chick's mouth. She later gets a chance to make-out with Jimbo(Justin Capaz), the manliest male cheerleader ever(i.e. the only one I would tolerate near my ultimate cheerleader team) before she is sadly killed by the eponymous Butcher.

Skills: Kristy is a street fighter, a "straight-up gangsta" in urban vernacular. For humorous purposes, I would write her having brass knuckles, to clobber those mutant rednecks to death.

Paraphernalia: Brass Knuckles, anything she can pick up(Ala Final Fight)

My sixth member would be: Patti

Played by(originally): Kerry Sherman

Application Status: 1977's Satan's Cheerleaders is one of my top favorite cheerleader B-movies, if not THE TOP FAVORITE. After all, it has the perfect mixture of elements that I love: cheerleader heroines, crazy villains, over-the-top antics, and an atmosphere that is tongue-in-cheek. Essentially, the story is about four cheerleaders of a small town who, while on their way to an away game, is forcefully stranded by their school's janitor, who seeks revenge on them for the way he is treated. Sadly, he also is a devil worshipper...and the poor girls and their teacher chaperon soon find themselves on the run from a devil worshipping cult.

I'll probably have a review later on this gem, but, while i love all the girls, my favorite is badass Patti, who stares down Dobermans named LUCIFER and...some other Devil-themed name, creeps out the priestess of the cult, and proves to be the most intelligent of the quartet. Also, she proves to have much more going for her...so much more that I can't risk spoiling it via Skills and Paraphernalia...so she gets none. But IF YOU SEEN THE ENDING TO THIS FILM...THEN YOU ALREADY KNOW HER SKILLS!!!!

See you soon with the final candidates!

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