Just Awesome Cinema(For Me): Sleeping Beauty(2011)

I have to admit, I get a kick out of calling a particular DVD retailer and asking about this film. Every time, without fail, they direct you to the Disney version, with Aurora, Prince Charming, and the evil Maleficent. Well, let me be the first to tell you...this ain't a Disney film. There is no Prince Charming, no Maleficent, and the eponymous "Sleeping Beauty" is as far from one dainty, virginal princess as one can get. She chuckles when the idea is considered that her vagina is a temple; she admits that it is far from a holy site.

Thus, one of the reversals revealed within the Australian film Sleeping Beauty. The Beauty, played by the wonderful Emily Browning, is named Lucy. From the opening credits, Browning's character Lucy contrasts the innocent roles she's portrayed up to this point, such as Babydoll and Anna: she participates in a strange clinical study testing her gag reflex(a doctor or such sends a long tube down her throat and injects air in her chest), does cocaine, instantly has sex with a man she meets in a bar, and avoids paying rent at a friend's house where she is staying. We are taken through Lucy's life as a college student, working various odd jobs, and dating a guy named Birdman(Ewen Leslie). From the various scenes, I could only gather that our heroine is complacent with her life, and wishes for something more. What that is is never explored.

The main plot begins to take root when Lucy answers an ad from Clara(Rachael Blake). If I squint my eyes and ignore the rest of the film, it would have been a perfect scene from a grindhouse flick; in fact, this is one of the scenes displayed prominently in the trailer. Basically, when Lucy meets Clara, she is told to strip, and, along with Thomas(Eden Falk), her body is inspected for imperfections. She is then told the parameters of the job: she is to participate in silver service in lingerie for wealthy clients. Clara outlines to Lucy that there will be no penetration; Lucy could care less, and even welcomes the opportunity.

That earned a chuckle from yours truly.

Fast forward to Lucy entering a plush mansion, where she meets the lead waitress...who tells Lucy that her lipstick has to match...her, er..."special place". She is soon dressed in skimpy white underwear, serving elderly rich people, along with older, sexy babes in stark black underwear, with their breasts OUT. She earns her first paycheck, and soon, Clara presents an escalation of the present deal: at Clara's private mansion, Lucy will be drugged into a deep slumber, and rich clients will have their way with her.

Meanwhile, Birdman, who seems to be suffering from drug use, gets worse. Lucy has three encounters with rich clients, all while naked and vulnerable in slumber. The first man(Peter Carroll) simply wants "all his bones broken" and sleeps with her. The second man(Chris Haywood) uses cigarettes in an act of sexual sadism. And the third man(Hugh Keays-Byrne) seems to have watched either WWE or love old adventure serial posters...cause he carries Lucy's slumbering body around the room, and then slams her on the bed.

Soon, 'ol Lucy is getting scared, discovering a mark on her body, and begs Clara to tell her what is going on. Clara refuses to share the truth of the encounters, thus prompting Lucy to buy a micro camera, swallow it, regurgitate it before her slumbering session with the first man again, and setting it up to film said encounter. The film ends when a horrified Clara, thinking Lucy is dead, quickly performs CPR to awaken the "Sleeping Beauty". Lucy wakes up, looks around, and starts screaming. The reason? I don't know. Yes, the first man is dead besides her, but it does not look like she is screaming in terror. She strikes the bed, which implies anger. So...again...I don't know WHY she is screaming.

I will admit, I have a bias towards the beautiful Emily Browning...not to mention, she has GUTS. To bare your whole birthday suit, without batting an eye, and participating seriously in some of the outlandish things Lucy was subjected to in the three encounters says a lot about this young woman. My hat is off to this awesome actress, who doesn't stoop to using body doubles(I'm looking at you, Lohan and Frieda Pinto), but gets out there and shows herself, honestly. And that says how seriously she takes her craft.

That being said, the film...my thoughts on it is...as a grindhouse aficionado, I felt that a perfect opportunity was wasted. Judging the film without Browning, on its own merits...it seemed pretentious to me. I know, I know, the filmmakers weren't trying to make it this way, that they had a message to get across...but I missed it. Granted, it wasn't all fanservice...for your shots of Browning and the other beauties in skimpy lingerie, you had the three encounters consisting of a naked and vulnerable Browning with wrinkled, equally naked old men. It definitely was not a have-your-cake-and-eat-it-to moment for yours truly.

The film seemed to drag at times as well because of its artsy focus. Before the first encounter with the slumbering Lucy, the First Man launches into a long ramble with Clara about a story of when he was 30 years old, and how he had a book, and how he wants his "bones broken". I was laughing because Clara seemed to reflect my thoughts at the time..."what is up with this old man, and can I get on with my life?"

Then, there was Lucy. We don't get to see much about her. She seems to go through life bored, and seems to do the things she does for the hell of it. She does drugs, sleeps with guys left and right, and finally serves as a toy for wealthy old men. Hell, the only time she seems to care about herself is after the second encounter with the sexual sadist, and feeling the cigarette burn left after. Even then, she doesn't do anything until the end. I don't think your audience will find her relatable, just frustratingly one-note.

The film is definitely shrug-inducing. It lacks the fun of Sucker Punch, or a defining twist like The Uninvited. I would go so far to say that the "artsy" focus was a huge detriment, but that is my very personal view. The reason I say this is that it had the potential to be like a exploitation film...Lucy being trapped in the claws of wealthy elderly guys, who hold her in sexual bondage, and forcing her into sleeping fits. Yeah, I know this isn't for everyone...but this film TEASED so many exploitation elements, it was very frustrating to see that it refused to go all the way.

I consider Emily Browning to be my Danny Trejo. You know how Robert Rodriguez made "Machete" because he met Trejo and considered him like a Mexican version of an action hero? I wish I was a powerful filmmaker at the moment; I would consider Browning to be like my Tiffany Shepis or Linnea Quigley...an cinema heroine of horror and other types of genre films. I would love to write the movie with Emily battling a chainsaw cult(like Quigley in Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers) or matching wits with a masked killer(like Shepis in Nightmare Man).

Anyway, the film itself gets a C.

Dusty Video Box Presents: The Ultimate Cheerleader Action Team Part One

Call it what you will: fetish, obsession, horniness. I love nubile B-movie cheerleaders...I love them very much. And no, I'm not talking about obvious chick flicks like Bring It On or Fired Up...those movies have more guy cheerleaders than girls, and take their sport really seriously. Really, really seriously.

And did I mention how much I hate male cheerleaders(in cinema form, not real life)?

Cheerleaders, possibly one of the top three fantasy chicks that guys would go for, are a well-worn staple of porn. But I'm not talking about those flicks, either. I'm talking about exploitation flicks, or in a broader sense, B-movies. I'm talking about Satan's Cheerleaders and Andre The Butcher. You see, I'm not much of a fan of the straight "sexploitation" of the cheerleader, demonstrated for example in the cleverly named The Cheerleaders. Being more of a slasher fanatic, I always liked them in an action-oriented situation...like running from a mob of devil worshippers, or battling a supernatural cleaver-armed maniac.

But surprisingly, there's a shortage of "cheerleader combat", which, in my opinion, really boggles the mind. You either have disgusting fake-outs like Cheerleader Massacre and A Brush With Death, where they claim to have cheerleaders, but don't...or maybe you'd pick up a movie where you wish the hot lead was in a uniform(at least, I do. But I'm not well). As a budding businessman(i.e. writer), I'm really of two minds here: on one hand, its annoying, because I would love a few more straight-to-DVDs with the keywords: cheerleader, killer, fight,...and the desperate writer in me(i.e. desperate for money) spots a opportunity to make so dough with the right straight-to-DVD production company...like Asylum? Or Troma? Hello?

So, in the spirit of my previous presentation of The Ultimate Sukeban(lead) Gang, and as an American answer to it...as well as in homage to The Expendables, the manliness all-star man movie ever, I present The Ultimate Cheerleader Action Team. The characters and/or actresses selected came from my absolute favorite cheerleader-centric B-movies, from 1977's Satan's Cheerleaders to 2003's Cheerleader Ninjas. These cheerleaders aren't from lame movies where they compete against each other(which is not bad, of course)...but they come from movies where they have to fight for their very lives against the undesirable elements of man and beast!

Let me set up the plot of my dream movie: A team of cheerleaders are on their way to an away game in another town, when their bus breaks down unknowingly in mutant redneck country. A group of disgusting redneck mutants, led by a powerful leader, targets the girls as potential mothers to give birth to the next generation of mutant rednecks. And yes, I lifted that plot from The Hills Have Eyes 2(2007).

The team would be:

The Captain would be: Jasmine Tyner
Played By: April Billingsley

Application Status: As the leader of the four man cheerleader band(three women, and one guy) in 2005's Andre The Butcher, Jasmine was the sexy, crucifix-wearin', switchblade-wieldin', kung-fu cheerleader who also reveals herself to be a hot lesbian as well, in a make-out scene with her co-cheerleader, Cookie(Heather Joy Budner). In the climax of the movie, Jasmine has an awesome one-on-one battle with 'ol Andre...and doesn't back down from the supernatural menace, despite the fact that he shrugs off her karate kicks.

Skills: Besides her mean fighting skills, she's good with a switchblade and voyeurism as well...if that counts as a skill.

Paraphernalia:Her crucifix and trusty switchblade...and maybe a bowl of chili and a can of pears;).


Co-Captain: Fumi
Played By: Vicky Huang

Application Status: There are only three things that are good about 2005's Insecticidal: Samantha McLeod's well-endowed constitution, and Fumi, the awesome Asian student who is highly intelligent and practices with sai. Read that last part again...with. sai. Like the Ninja Turtle Raphael. I'm sure many people read into the character as being a cultural/racial stereotype, but hey...it beats the stereotypes I,a African-American, have to be stuck with! Anyway, what p****** me off about this movie is that Fumi, the Asian chick who demonstrates her skill in martial arts in one form or another...IS KILLED OFF BY A FREAKING GIANT MANTIS!!!

We don't even get a promised showdown, with Fumi kicking butt on those cheap CG insects!! Instead, she's jobbed, and the untrained Caucasians beat the insects and survive. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Would Fumi do better against mutant rednecks? If I was writing it, hell yeah.

Skills: In the film, there is a scene where Fumi practices with sai, seductively. This had me screaming at the movie later, when the giant mantis was fighting her. Why she didn't grab the sai and go all Kill Bill on the things? That would have been the movie I would have written.

Anyway, she seems to have a knowledge of wielding sai/sai training. And unlike that lame movie, in mine, you would see it in action!

Paraphernalia: Her sai

My third member would be: Angela

Played By: Angela Brubaker(on the far right)

Application Status: As the leader and the only "sane man" of the titular Cheerleader Ninjas quartet, Angela bravely lead her less-than-bright group against a evil crew of Catholic Schoolgirls(TM), lead by a former homosexual(sterotypical gay) man who wanted to join the Hamsters cheerleader squad(complete with skirt!), but was throughly rejected. After initially getting their pantied butts handed to 'em, Angela and crew go through a training montage to become ninjas(which include breaking an already broken board and jumping on trampolines) to fight their fetish-inspired rivals, earning the right to carry katanas and use pogo sticks to chase after their enemies!!

Angela and her crew hates nerds the same way that Graydon Creed hates X-men. Wonders of wonders, it is later revealed that she is a nerd(stereotypical nerd), who only joined the squad to get a scholarship.

Skills: Angela would be the brains of this cheerleader squad. Since the film she was in was a spoof anyway, this movie would be a tad more serious. Thus, while she would retain her sarcastic nature, her intelligence would be increased. In the film, she demonstrated some computer skills, thus, she would have them here, although boosted to a Macguyver-esque level. She would demonstrate some limited martial art skills, and limited swordfighting skills; unlike in her initial film, here, it would be mentioned that she gained the training from school activities.

Paraphernalia: Her katana

That's all for the first round. The second group of recruits are coming up soon, so don't go anywhere!!

The Cover Tells A Different Story: Cheerleader Massacre

In many of my journeys up and down the video store aisles, I've run across great multitudes of video duds. You know what I mean, those movies that you would pick up because of the awesome cover. You'd go "Hell yeah, that looks cool!", rent that sucker, dance all the way home, pop that bad boy into the DVD player...only to find out that somethings wrong, some great cosmic calculation has misfired, some mystic primordial being is pointing his or her finger at you and laughing.

Essentially, the film in your DVD player doesn't match the one on the box.

Let me give you a recent example of my exposure to a video dud. Basically, I've been hitting the aisles of Blockbuster, thanks to the "5 for $5.00" deal - Five movies, for Five Days, for Five Dollars. You can't really beat this deal, especially if you're like me, and looking for old movies as opposed to new releases(sorry, doesn't extend to them). I came up on this movie titled The Last Resort. Look at the cover...you have a hot chick in a skimpy swimsuit on a beach, with a knife in her hand. Do you get such chewy goodness in the actual movie?

Hell no! The "Resort" of the title is actually some isolated hotel in the middle of Mexico or some place south of the American border. The swimsuits are seen in only one scene, and that's that. There is one nude scene by the Beth character(I think that was her name), but that was it. Long story short, it was a disappointment to me. If I ever do a review on it, I'll go into more detail for the reason why.

Anyway, we're here for this feature's first victim: Cheerleader Massacre!

The Cover Story(What the cover tells you): A group of hot, scantily-clad uniformed cheerleaders are being stalked by a psychotic killer in Dukes of Hazzard-type blue jeans, armed with a chainsaw and a desire to spill cheerleader blood...uniformed cheerleaders' blood. No amount of cheering will save the girls from this maniac!!!

The Cold Hard Truth(What you really get):

How do you f*** this concept up?!

I really don't know what is more disappointing: that this movie, obviously made on a shoe-string budget, was too cheap to even buy cheerleader costumes(or too lazy), or that this was made by the usually awesome Jim Wynorski. Mr. Wynorski is one of my favorite B-movie/exploitation directors, having created such awesome gems as Chopping Mall(1986), Sorority House Massacre 2(1990), and Hard to Die(1990)(I swear, I'm going to write a remake of both as a trilogy). Yet with Cheerleader Massacre, he drops the ball, beats up the rep, and destroys the playing field.

As I mentioned before, it seems that the director was too cheap to even buy cheerleader costumes. So the image on the cover? Bogus. You don't even know that the girls are cheerleaders in the film after the first five minutes, where they practice a routine in their baggy clothes. After that, they are in their regular clothes, and not even skimpy clothes to highlight their curves(face it people...you do not pick up a movie called Cheerleader Massacre to learn about the human condition).

And there are some really hot chicks in the movie, like the coach, played by Tamie Sheffield, main character Parker Jameson, played by Charity Rahmer(who gets naked for a few seconds in a shower scene), and some big-breasted hiker who gets killed (confusingly) on a rope bridge in the forest. And the rest of the story? Basically, the "cheerleaders", two guys, the cheerleader coach, and the male driver, all drive to an away game when they have car trouble. They find an abandoned house(not really abandoned per se, just someone's vacation home) where they all decide to stay for the night. Meanwhile, an escaped murderer is on the lose, and Sheriff Murdock(Bill Langlois Monroe), his deputy(Gigi Erneta), and Detective Demarco(Melissa Brasselle) race to stop him(and maybe order him a new wardrobe, 'cause that tight jean suit he wears is a nightmare in and of itself!).

Back at the abandoned vacation home, someone is picking the "cheerleaders" and their companions off one by one...and I could care less. There is a small industry of straight-to-video slashers, and the whole appeal of this one(scantily-clad cheerleaders being stalked by a murderer) is lost by the sheer senselessness of not trying to capitalize on the freaking concept! I mean, the freakin' box has "Cheerleaders" in the title, for goodness sake! If you wanted to be so cheap as not to use cheerleader costumes(the equivalent of Batman without a costume), you could have called the movie Snow Massacre. Lord knows that is what is seemed like, with the girls all bundled up, and snow on the ground. Christmas Massacre could have been another title used.

Another travesty was marketing this as a sequel to the Slumber Party Massacre series. Now, let me explain...see, in Sorority House Massacre 2, a sequel to the horrible Sorority House Massacre, Wynorski used footage from the first Slumber Party Massacre to explain the origin of the film's villain, Ketchum. Taking scenes where the Slumber Party villain stalks the main heroine and one of her friends, this is changed in Sorority House to Ketchum stalking and killing one of his daughters. Being the creative mind behind the Sorority House series, you'd think this movie would be a sequel to that film continuity(no matter how extremely loose it was). However, the director confuses matters even more by using Brinke Stevens, a star from the original Slumber Party Massacre...whose character was killed off from what I understood!

So What Have I learned?: I just don't understand why there couldn't be actual cheerleaders in the movie, LIKE ON THE COVER OF SAID MOVIE. I've noticed that even B-movie/exploitative movie companies ignore the elements of psychotic slashers and cheerleaders. I would rather pay to see that, than another Last Resort or some big fakeout like this...and from one of my favorite directors too!!

Dusty Video Box Presents: The Ultimate Sukeban Gang Part 3

I now wrap up this series with the final members of this ultimate Sukeban-lead girl gang. Now you are a purveyor of pinky violence, or at least have limited exposure like I have experienced, then you must be wondering: where is Reiko Ike? Why isn't she part of this crew?!



If you don't know who Ike is...run to your nearest video store and pick up the awesome Sex and Fury((thanks gletko)which also has my girl, Christina Lindberg in it, from Thriller: A Cruel Picture). Reiko Ike is the main character, a pickpocket who is so good at what she does that she steals without even meaning to! But I digress. She is well-known as the rival to Miki Sugimoto's character in many of the sukeban films. In Lynch Law Classroom, for example, she plays a rival Sukeban, who walks into the classroom, pushes the teacher out of the way, and challenges the Boss with The Cross to a duel!

Why she's not included in my Ultimate Sukeban Gang is simple...she would be one of the main antagonists, a rival character to Noriko and her posse. Maybe initially, she was part of the crew, but broke away and formed her on gang of delinquent girls.

Anyway, moving right along...the rest of my spectacular crew of delinquent schoolgirls would include:


My seventh pick is: Yukino Yajima

Played by: Akie Yoshizawa



Application Status: The most Japanese-ladylike(i.e. having the qualities of a traditional Japanese woman) out of the three main heroines of 1987's Sukebandeka feature film, Yukino seems to be a girl of privilage and sophistication. In fact, she is getting ready to study abroad in England before being stopped by Kyoko(Marbles Okyo) to rejoin her and Saki for the mission to "Hell Castle". Her quiet and reserved personality seem to be a foil to Saki and Kyoko's more aggressive personas. In fact, on a group of such aggressive personalities, she would easily serve as an intellectual voice of reason.

Skills: To show her blend of ladylike qualities and martial arts skill, her main weapon is a tea ceremony cloth. However, in the movie, she uses razor-sharp nail tips to slice her foes. And no...you should know by now, I'm not making this up.

Paraphenlia: Just those nail tips and that tea ceremony cloth. That's enough, isn't it?


My eighth pick is: Ami Hyuga(cue the Naruto jokes), Machine Girl

Played By: Minase Yashiro



Application Status: 2008's Machine Girl has a premise cooked up with yours truly in mind: A normal Japanese high school girl, Ami Hyuga, finds her world shattered when her brother and his friend are killed by Sho Kimura, the son of the leader of a ninja-yakuza family(ninja-yakuza. Just let that sink in) and his bully friends. When Ami tries to go get revenge on the family, she, after a bloody(and I mean gory fight), she is captured by them, and gets her left arm chopped off. She seeks shelter with her slain brother's slained friend's mother, who builds a high-powered machine gun to replace her left arm. Now, if that don't make you smile, you are not a B-movie fan.

Skills: She's a good hand-to-hand combatant, taking on Power-Ranger-esque ninjas, and other awesome crazy villians. And her greatest weapon, the Ash Williams-like machine gun is just crazy cool.

Paraphenlia: A machine gun where her left arm used to be. Enough said.

And that, my friends, are my selections for my Ultimate Sukeban-lead Girl Gang. There are tons more candidates to choose from, but I love my selection already! There are thoughts for other selections soon...I've been toying with the idea of a Blacula-lead Legion of Doom, made up of exploitation villains for my next piece...or the Ultimate Jailhouse Gang. Stay tuned!

Dusty Video Box Presents: The Ultimate Sukeban Gang Part Two

We continue with our installments of the ultimate gang of Japanese delinquent girls, lead by the Boss With The Cross, Noriko(played by Miki Sugimoto). I forgot to mention in the last post that Saki Asamiya's, the Sukeban Deka(or Deliquent Schoogirl Detective) links to the government via the Sukeban Deka program, would give the group some immunity from your typical Japanese authority figure. Thus, if they run into another girl gang trying to challenge them on their home turf, for example, they wouldn't have to worry about running from the cops. The cops would basically look the other way with this gang involved, and would even help them; after all, with this gang wiping out the competition, crime would become extinct soon enough!

So, let's continue in building this street-fighting force:

My fourth pick would be: Kyoko Nakamura, Marbles Okyo

Played By: Haruko Sagara


Application Status: My exposure to Marbles Okyo is even more limited than Saki Asamiya's. She is prominant in the 1987 Sukebandeka feature film, which essentially continues from the television series of the same name. Here, when introduced(or reintroduced initially in native Japan), she has become bored with her civilian life, and very eager to return to fighting criminals with Saki. She later assists in the mission to rescue two delinquent students from "Hell Castle", a horrific reform school on an island, where the students are being brainwashed to become sword-wielding soldiers.

Skills: They don't call her "Marbles" for her hairbob. Just as Saki is deadly with her yo-yo, Kyoko is a crack shot with marbles. That's right, marbles. In the film, she demonstrates her skill in the third act, laying out machine-gun-totin' soldiers with a flick of her fingers, and from miles away. Thanks to jaytiki on Youtube, here is a scene demonstrating how dangerous she is:

Paraphernalia: Just give her a bag of marbles. She'll go all Green Arrow and lay out buckets of goons for ya.


My fifth pick would be: Kyoko Kubo, Sappho of The Street

Played By: Seiko Saburi

Application Status: According to the ol' trusty Wikipedia, Sappho was an ancient Greek poetress, whose name and place of birth(Lesbos) has become synonymous with romantic love towards another woman. Remember in the early 1990s, when every comic company was putting together superteams like Lego blocks? Like, you had the powerhouse, or the big muscle guy, the speedster, the stoic leader, and the eye candy, the sexy female member? Well, in this line-up, Kyoko is the Temptress. Her skills are not for the battlefield, but for manipulation.

In Terrifying Girls' High School: Lynch Law Classroom, Kyoko's skills shine best when she ambushes one of the main members of the school's peer disciplinary council in the bathroom, groping her erotically in the stall. For the wee ones tuning in, I'm not going to go into details, but let's just say after a few well-placed kisses, "Sappho" got what she wanted from the girl. Later, said girl is punished viciously...the punishment involved a light bulb and push-ups, and I won't go any further.

Skills: She's not call Sappho of the Street for nothin'. Her sexual charms and skill are potent enough to make one of the main disciplinary committee members temporarily turn against her crew to help her.

Paraphenalia: Her smile.


My sixth pick is: GoGo Yubari

Played By: Chiaki Kuriyama


Application Status: Wolverine. Sentry. Batman. Some comic superteams have those members that are so frightening, so crazy, that their fellow members go out of their way NOT to make eye contact with them. In this gang, Gogo Yubari, from Quentin Tarentino's Kill Bill saga, would fill that position. Gogo is nuts...as demonstrated in Kill Bill Volume One, she has no qualms with killing even innocent people, like the harmless drunk man in the bar that she slices open with a katana. She's fearless as well, challenging the Bride(Uma Thurman) to a battle, despite the fact that the blonde warrior had demonstrated her sword skill.

Skills: Gogo seems to demonstrate some martial art skills in her battle with the Bride, as well as skill with the meteor hammer and the katana. Her most dangerous skill, however, is her penchant for ultraviolence and her blood-thirstiness.

Paraphanelia: To be honest, while she wields the meteor hammer in the movie, I would rather see her use the katana. I can picture her going into a beserker rage against the gang's enemies, and Noriko having to calm her down...

Well, two installments down, and maybe one or two to go...I don't know, I'm having fun. Feel free to comment, exploitation hounds!

Missed Opportunities: Maggie Q and the Balls of Fury

Rogue Pictures' 2007's Balls of Fury was certainly not a film to write home about. Neither was it a film that made for great water-cooler conversation with your office co-workers. In all honesty, it is a past-timer film, a movie one slaps into the DVD player when he or she has absolutely NOTHING to do...which in this day and age, for 99% of us, is impossible. There are always better movies to watch, for example...or better books to read...of jobs to go to...or spouses to enjoy(or detest*shrugs*). Essentially, this film, starring Dan Folger as main protaganist Randy Daytona, isn't really memorable for me except for one single, lonely reason:

Maggie Q in Red Mandarin Dress.

The film itself riffs the legendary Bruce Lee epic, Enter The Dragon, telling the story about Randy Daytona, the greatest ping-pong player of all time, who, as a kid, was involved in a vital ping-pong match at the 1988 Olympics. However, things go South, young Daytona leaves in disgrace, and years later, is working in Reno, Nevada as part of a magic act. Soon, he is recruited by a FBI agent(George Lopez) to infiltrate a ping-pong tornament on an island. However, Daytona's skills have grown lax; thus, he is taken to China Town to meet a blind ping-pong master named Wong(James Hong), and his neice, Maggie Wong(Maggie Q). After the training, he is taken to the island to participate in the tornament, where main antagonist, criminal lord Feng(Christopher freakin' Walken) enforces a "sudden death" clause on the proceedings: if a ping-pong player loses a match, he is killed by a poison dart, courtesy of Mahogany(Aisha Tyler).

Anyway, since we're not talking about the movie itself, let's cut to the chase: Feng kidnaps Maggie Wong and forces her to play against Daytona...and that's where we finally get to see what was advertised on the freaking poster...Maggie Q in a hot Chinese dress. In all honesty, that the only reason I paid 7 bucks to see the film in the theatre.

What gets me, when I occasionally think about this film, is what a waste it was. Really, did we need Dan Folger and George Lopez in all the scenes? Did we really need a freaking ping-pong movie? What this movie should've been about is Maggie Wong beating the snot out of Feng's criminal empire...like this cool film here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r21jhcmktXY

Now that would have been worth the dollars! Seeing Maggie Q going Game of Death-style on Terry Crews, Aisha Tyler, Jason Scott Lee, and a final insane battle with Christopher Walken...that's the movie i wanted to see!! It's really a simple concept, Hollywood...Maggie Q is a hot chick who can kick butt and take names: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGAKKl9TaLo

She also has American exposure with Mission: Impossible 3 and Die Hard 4. Why can't we get a film with just her kicking ass?

Here's the Trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfR62ijVnmU