Dusty Video Box Presents: The Ultimate Cheerleader Action Team Part Two

Continuing where I left off...for those of you just joining that lonely audience member, I'm essentially putting together the ultimate cheerleader action team to lay the smackdown against mutant redneck cannibals who want to spread their polluted genetic wealth via the horizontal tango. In basic terms, they want to breed, and our cheerleader heroines are their pom-pom and pleated skirt prey. Hey, just walk with me here...close your eyes and picture this as one of those films you stumble up on the SyFy Channel or accidentally choose on the Redbox. Now don't be like me and have your mouth drop, drool splattering against the floor as you thank the B-movie spirits for such a gem.



Be your lovable self, maybe get a six-pack of beer and/or some friends, kick back and prepare to indulge in B-movie goodness. No Bring It On! here. Alright, the rest of the crew:

The fourth member would be: Amber Strickland
Played By: Grace Johnston






Application Status: I plan to expand on my thoughts about 2007's Bloodlines soon, but let it be said here that, and this is only my skewed opinion, but I felt that is squandered tons of exploitative potential...such as Amber's sexiness. In my twisted, fetish-driven mind, she would have looked much, much better in a cheerleader outfit, while battling in the redneck breeding tournament(long story short: the homicidal rednecks would kidnap women, have them fight, and the winner would be forced to breed with the head honcho), using survival skills(I think she even used a bow and arrow) and taking out the redneck trash like a Southern belle mixed with Xena, Warrior Princess.


Skills: Amber's a badass hand-to-hand combatant, demonstrated by easily killing one girl by pushing her nose into her brain. She has survival skills as well, as she was trained by (I assume) her father(Douglas Tait) and her brother(I assume)(Dorian Kingi). In my naive opinion, it seems like she has some army-style combat training. On this team, I could see her as the gun expert, as well as the expert hunter and tracker.


Paraphernalia: I would give her a hunting knife, and maybe later, she would acquire a bow-and-arrow.




The fifth member would be: Kristy

Played by: Elizabeth Mullins

Application Status: As the old saying goes, "Big girls need love too". Kristy is the portly cheerleader in Andre the Butcher, and is the object of teasing by a rival team of cheerleaders just after the credits roll. Thankfully, Kristy's cheerpals, after overtaking the rivals' vehicle, proceed to step out and kick ass. Kristy proves that she's no slouch as a brawler, as her picture demonstrates(she is in the blue uniform), knocking all the siss-boom-baa out of that chick's mouth. She later gets a chance to make-out with Jimbo(Justin Capaz), the manliest male cheerleader ever(i.e. the only one I would tolerate near my ultimate cheerleader team) before she is sadly killed by the eponymous Butcher.

Skills: Kristy is a street fighter, a "straight-up gangsta" in urban vernacular. For humorous purposes, I would write her having brass knuckles, to clobber those mutant rednecks to death.


Paraphernalia: Brass Knuckles, anything she can pick up(Ala Final Fight)

My sixth member would be: Patti

Played by(originally): Kerry Sherman

Application Status: 1977's Satan's Cheerleaders is one of my top favorite cheerleader B-movies, if not THE TOP FAVORITE. After all, it has the perfect mixture of elements that I love: cheerleader heroines, crazy villains, over-the-top antics, and an atmosphere that is tongue-in-cheek. Essentially, the story is about four cheerleaders of a small town who, while on their way to an away game, is forcefully stranded by their school's janitor, who seeks revenge on them for the way he is treated. Sadly, he also is a devil worshipper...and the poor girls and their teacher chaperon soon find themselves on the run from a devil worshipping cult.

I'll probably have a review later on this gem, but, while i love all the girls, my favorite is badass Patti, who stares down Dobermans named LUCIFER and...some other Devil-themed name, creeps out the priestess of the cult, and proves to be the most intelligent of the quartet. Also, she proves to have much more going for her...so much more that I can't risk spoiling it via Skills and Paraphernalia...so she gets none. But IF YOU SEEN THE ENDING TO THIS FILM...THEN YOU ALREADY KNOW HER SKILLS!!!!

See you soon with the final candidates!

Dusty Video Box Presents: The Ultimate Cheerleader Action Team Part One

Call it what you will: fetish, obsession, horniness. I love nubile B-movie cheerleaders...I love them very much. And no, I'm not talking about obvious chick flicks like Bring It On or Fired Up...those movies have more guy cheerleaders than girls, and take their sport really seriously. Really, really seriously.

And did I mention how much I hate male cheerleaders(in cinema form, not real life)?

Cheerleaders, possibly one of the top three fantasy chicks that guys would go for, are a well-worn staple of porn. But I'm not talking about those flicks, either. I'm talking about exploitation flicks, or in a broader sense, B-movies. I'm talking about Satan's Cheerleaders and Andre The Butcher. You see, I'm not much of a fan of the straight "sexploitation" of the cheerleader, demonstrated for example in the cleverly named The Cheerleaders. Being more of a slasher fanatic, I always liked them in an action-oriented situation...like running from a mob of devil worshippers, or battling a supernatural cleaver-armed maniac.

But surprisingly, there's a shortage of "cheerleader combat", which, in my opinion, really boggles the mind. You either have disgusting fake-outs like Cheerleader Massacre and A Brush With Death, where they claim to have cheerleaders, but don't...or maybe you'd pick up a movie where you wish the hot lead was in a uniform(at least, I do. But I'm not well). As a budding businessman(i.e. writer), I'm really of two minds here: on one hand, its annoying, because I would love a few more straight-to-DVDs with the keywords: cheerleader, killer, fight,...and the desperate writer in me(i.e. desperate for money) spots a opportunity to make so dough with the right straight-to-DVD production company...like Asylum? Or Troma? Hello?

So, in the spirit of my previous presentation of The Ultimate Sukeban(lead) Gang, and as an American answer to it...as well as in homage to The Expendables, the manliness all-star man movie ever, I present The Ultimate Cheerleader Action Team. The characters and/or actresses selected came from my absolute favorite cheerleader-centric B-movies, from 1977's Satan's Cheerleaders to 2003's Cheerleader Ninjas. These cheerleaders aren't from lame movies where they compete against each other(which is not bad, of course)...but they come from movies where they have to fight for their very lives against the undesirable elements of man and beast!

Let me set up the plot of my dream movie: A team of cheerleaders are on their way to an away game in another town, when their bus breaks down unknowingly in mutant redneck country. A group of disgusting redneck mutants, led by a powerful leader, targets the girls as potential mothers to give birth to the next generation of mutant rednecks. And yes, I lifted that plot from The Hills Have Eyes 2(2007).

The team would be:

The Captain would be: Jasmine Tyner
Played By: April Billingsley

Application Status: As the leader of the four man cheerleader band(three women, and one guy) in 2005's Andre The Butcher, Jasmine was the sexy, crucifix-wearin', switchblade-wieldin', kung-fu cheerleader who also reveals herself to be a hot lesbian as well, in a make-out scene with her co-cheerleader, Cookie(Heather Joy Budner). In the climax of the movie, Jasmine has an awesome one-on-one battle with 'ol Andre...and doesn't back down from the supernatural menace, despite the fact that he shrugs off her karate kicks.

Skills: Besides her mean fighting skills, she's good with a switchblade and voyeurism as well...if that counts as a skill.

Paraphernalia:Her crucifix and trusty switchblade...and maybe a bowl of chili and a can of pears;).


Co-Captain: Fumi
Played By: Vicky Huang

Application Status: There are only three things that are good about 2005's Insecticidal: Samantha McLeod's well-endowed constitution, and Fumi, the awesome Asian student who is highly intelligent and practices with sai. Read that last part again...with. sai. Like the Ninja Turtle Raphael. I'm sure many people read into the character as being a cultural/racial stereotype, but hey...it beats the stereotypes I,a African-American, have to be stuck with! Anyway, what p****** me off about this movie is that Fumi, the Asian chick who demonstrates her skill in martial arts in one form or another...IS KILLED OFF BY A FREAKING GIANT MANTIS!!!

We don't even get a promised showdown, with Fumi kicking butt on those cheap CG insects!! Instead, she's jobbed, and the untrained Caucasians beat the insects and survive. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Would Fumi do better against mutant rednecks? If I was writing it, hell yeah.

Skills: In the film, there is a scene where Fumi practices with sai, seductively. This had me screaming at the movie later, when the giant mantis was fighting her. Why she didn't grab the sai and go all Kill Bill on the things? That would have been the movie I would have written.

Anyway, she seems to have a knowledge of wielding sai/sai training. And unlike that lame movie, in mine, you would see it in action!

Paraphernalia: Her sai

My third member would be: Angela

Played By: Angela Brubaker(on the far right)

Application Status: As the leader and the only "sane man" of the titular Cheerleader Ninjas quartet, Angela bravely lead her less-than-bright group against a evil crew of Catholic Schoolgirls(TM), lead by a former homosexual(sterotypical gay) man who wanted to join the Hamsters cheerleader squad(complete with skirt!), but was throughly rejected. After initially getting their pantied butts handed to 'em, Angela and crew go through a training montage to become ninjas(which include breaking an already broken board and jumping on trampolines) to fight their fetish-inspired rivals, earning the right to carry katanas and use pogo sticks to chase after their enemies!!

Angela and her crew hates nerds the same way that Graydon Creed hates X-men. Wonders of wonders, it is later revealed that she is a nerd(stereotypical nerd), who only joined the squad to get a scholarship.

Skills: Angela would be the brains of this cheerleader squad. Since the film she was in was a spoof anyway, this movie would be a tad more serious. Thus, while she would retain her sarcastic nature, her intelligence would be increased. In the film, she demonstrated some computer skills, thus, she would have them here, although boosted to a Macguyver-esque level. She would demonstrate some limited martial art skills, and limited swordfighting skills; unlike in her initial film, here, it would be mentioned that she gained the training from school activities.

Paraphernalia: Her katana

That's all for the first round. The second group of recruits are coming up soon, so don't go anywhere!!

Future Plans

• I had started a feature on Marvel Comics' last crossover, SIEGE, but I think I got sidetracked or something. I'll be posting that one of these days.
• Since I can't talk about ANYTHING directly about my various projects, out of fear of my intellectual properties being stolen...I can hint at them, with various articles. So on the next "Dusty Video Box Presents", I'm finally doing my selections for the "Ultimate Cheerleader Action Team"...essentially an American counterpart to my first feature, "The Ultimate Sukeban(lead) Gang" for "Pinky Violence"(Look it up on here). Also thinking about an "Ultimate Cannibal Clan" feature, based on characters from "Wrong Turn" and "The Hills Have Eyes". I'm still wanting to do that "Blacula's Legion of Doom" feature.
• I've been wanting to talk about another disturbing film with a lack of exploitation..."Bloodlines". I'm thinking about calling the feature, "They Wasted Good Exploitation", like on the awesome TV Tropes site, which has the "They Wasted A Good Plot" as a trope.
• Finally, if any of you Dusty Videons are men...and I mean REAL MEN...and I men REAL FREAKIN' MEN(TM), go see The Expendables. Seriously. Don't be a wuss and waste your money on Scott Pilgrim or Vampires Suck...Be A Man and go see that movie.

It Came From The Video Store!: Cheerleader Ninjas

Where do you go to find religious mothers trying to take over the Internet with pictures of the Pope? Or clashes between ninja cheerleaders and trashy Catholic schoolgirls? Or geeks in assorted Starfleet and Star Wars uniforms, who drink William Shatner Beer and sing one of the funniest songs known to B-movie kind? Or sex symbol Kira Reed, naked except for a blue cheerleader skirt and a smile? Welcome to the world of Cheerleader Ninjas.

The Front Row: Four cheerleaders from Happy Valley High, home of the Hamsters(with trademark Hamster-Cam...you have to see the movie to get what I'm talking about), are targeted by a band of fanatical Christian ladies, who see them as the main reason for the "smut" that dominates the Internet. The leader of the quartet, Angela(Angela Brubaker), and her band battle sexy Catholic schoolgirls led by a former gay male cheerleader who seeks revenge. And oh yeah, a villain behind the scenes known as Mr. X seeks to upload a virus onto the Internet, turning everyone into zombies.

Box of Whoppers(The Delicious): This movie throughly enjoys its B-movie trappings, including many hilarious scenes, and one of the greatest songs I've ever heard, sung by Maverick and his crew of nerds.

Sticky Floors(The Nasty): If you're not into sexual or toilet humor, this might not be for you.

Concession Stand(Where to Buy): You can see it here, on Hulu.

See Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVlZVMiPcgk

It Came From The Video Store!: Andre The Butcher

One has to admire the creators of 2006's Andre The Butcher for keeping their biggest surprise underwraps: famous(or infamous, depends on the side of the issue you stand) porn star and VH-1 Surreal Life participant Ron Jeremy as the title antagonist...a supernatural killer with a welder's mask, bloody dress-clothes, and a penchant for hunting humans, devouring their remains, and harvesting their souls for the big head honcho of Hell.

The Front Row: Three female cheerleaders, stoic team captain Jasmine(April Billingsley), flirtatious Cookie(Heather Joy Budner, complete with No Nudity Clause), and portly Kristy(Liz Mullins) are being escorted to cheerleader regionals by their male cheerleader companion, Jimbo(Justin Capaz) through the isolated backwoods of Florida. When the foursome crash their car, thanks to erotic shenanigans between Cookie and Jimbo, they, seeking help, discover a fully-furnished house in the middle of nowhere.

Taking refuge there, they are soon stalked by Andre, but not before a parade of bizarre characters show up at the homestead: two recently escaped convicts, Hoss(Maury Sterling) and Tober(Alan Fessenden), Sheriff Cooper(Terry Mross), and Coffy-inspired Deputy Hollingsworth(Faye Canada). All of the bloody proceedings are told by the Narrator(Gene Hash), who makes it clear that his “gay cheerleaders” only mean spirited and cheerful cheerleaders.

Box of Whoppers(The Delicious): Despite sharing some cliches with numerous straight-to-video slasher films, Andre the Butcher manages to showcase effort in the story department not shared by its fellow DVD horror titles. Instead of relying only on the novelty of Ron Jeremy's role, the creators introduces a few twists and turns to the narrative, such as Andre's true motives, Hoss's true identity, and for the exploitative fan in all of us, Jasmine's secret sexual desires. The film also provides several fun characters, such as a deputy, sliced in half by Andre, that continues to live...and begs anyone stumbling upon him to put him out of his memory.

Sticky Floors(The Nasty): The floors are not sticky in this film.

Concession Stand(Where to Buy): Andre The Butcher can be purchased at any bargain bin at Blockbuster Video.

See Trailer: