Friday, July 24, 2009

Just Bad Cinema: Friday the 13th 2009

Jason...can move faster. And he's seemed to have taken up the trade of setting traps like Kevin from Home Alone. And Jason seems to be protecting weed in the Crystal Lake forest. Welcome to the pointless remake of Friday the 13th, produced by Micheal Bay's Platnium Dunes company.

When we are stripped to a sequel of this:
for just a redundant retread and retelling of the first three Friday the 13ths, it's just...insane.

The newest Jason flick takes its cue from the current Hollywood trend of recycling and rebooting saber-tooth franchises, such as Nolan's Batman films, Zombie's Halloween, or the newest James Bond movies. But instead of a stronger focus on characterization(Batman) or a different take(Halloween and James Bond), we get yet another "dead teenager movie"...but without the strength of creative kills that is often the main point of the slasher movie.

Then again, i admit, we do get one...but i'm getting ahead of myself. One of the very limited pluses i do give this movie was the inclusion and homage to the first Friday the 13th(often a trick question for people who don't know their slasher flicks) in the FIRST pre-credit sequence. Just like in the first 1980 film, the final girl beheads Ms. Vorhees Highlander-style. Then, we get kid Jason cradling his mother's head. Fast forward untold years later, and you basically have a group of teenagers on an find weed in Crystal Lake forest.

I BS you not.

What was this, Indiana Jones and the Weed By the Lake? Basically, kids set up camp in the forest, and begin to split up for sex, drugs, and other young-un vices. One guy finds the weed in the forest, and before he could go back to the others, Jason gets him. One by one, he picks them off. And here is where that only creative kill comes to play: Jason basically traps a girl in a sleeping bag, hangs it above the fire, and roast her like a neckbone on the 4th of July.

All of these teens are killed...before the credits start rolling.

After the credits, we get a second annoying batch of teenagers...including two tokens(an Asian guy and a black guy), who basically don't get any tail at all. What's with this, anyway? Why not three black people, two Asians, a Latino, and a Brooklyn Native? Why not two Latinos, three Asians, and two Black people? This trend stretches credibility to the limit. Really, in real life...what group situation has one minority only?

Anyway, besides Asian Guy and Black Dude, we have Flash Thompson(guy whose house is where the group will be staying at), Nightgown Girl(because that is what she get kills in), and Nancy Drew(who will team up with our protagonist), Our protagonist is a college-aged guy who is looking for his sister...who was with the first pre-credit group to be dispatched by Jason. The protagonist and the other group are seperate, only meeting up on the way; of course, Flash and our hero rub each other the wrong way.

Once they get up to the house and get settled, Jason begins his assault. Was I the only one glad the Asian guy got it? He was wrecking Flash's house, then going out into his garage and tearing things up there. And Black Dude...really? A frying pan against Jason? I watched with glee when Jason whupped his least we did not see another "Busta Rhymes beating Micheal Myers"-type incident(Halloween: Resurrection). Still, i was hoping for some actual creativity and/or gore, some brutal "Kratos-God of War" style beatdowns. Seriously, Punisher: Warzone had more creative slasher "artistry" than this...and it technically wasn't a horror movie!

Another thing to mention is Jason has his own freaking Jason-Cave. Seriously, he had an underground lair beneath the camp, and our hero and Nancy Drew finds out about this.

All in all...i see no point of this movie, and i've seen better staples of the genre(breasts, kills) in other movies.


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